Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in!
For the uninitiated (and tsk-tsk if that's the case), I'm Rialto—purveyor of pulp, herald of heroics, and your personal guide through the blood-soaked miasma of Conan's world.
Whether you're a grizzled veteran of a thousand campaigns or a wide-eyed newcomer still wet behind the ears, gather 'round. For I bring tidings that'll make your heart race faster than mine on a Saturday night at the lounge.
Comics! Games! Books that could double as barbarian-grade bludgeons! By Crom's hairy backside, I’ve got it all!
So don your armor, sharpen your sword, and for the love of Mitra, try to keep up. The Hyborian Age waits for no one, and neither does Rialto.
Conan's Back, and He's Bringing the Frost!
Mark your calendars and hold onto your loincloths, because CONAN #13 is about to burst onto the scene like I burst into tears when I pay taxes (I don’t pay taxes)!
On July 24, 2024 (that's right, put it in stone), we're diving back into the frosty tales of young Conan. Jim Zub, that master of mythic mayhem, is peeling back the layers of this icy tale like a sweaty barbarian shedding furs.
But wait, there's more! Doug Braithwaite’s art will have you feeling the chill of the tundra and the heat of battle, all rendered in colors so vivid by Diego Rodriguez, you'll swear you can taste the blood and snow.
So, what'll it be? Are you gonna sit there like a frozen Vanir, or are you gonna join the adventure? The choice is yours, but remember – Crom favors the bold, and Rialto favors those who pre-order!
SECURE MY COPY
One, Two, Thrice?
Remember our favorite Cimmerian's high-seas hijinks? Well, he's back on dry land and the shore ain't ready for him. "Conan the Barbarian Vol. 2: Thrice Marked for Death", the newest trade paperback collection, has hit the shelves!
But here's the rub: Our boy's got ghosts. Not the rattling chains and "boo" kind. No, he's haunted by memories of Belit, that saucy minx who captained the Tigress and ruled the Black Coast.
What's a barbarian to do? Why, dive headfirst into a high-stakes heist, of course! But will it be the cure for his melancholy... or the final nail in his very muscular coffin?
CLAIM MY COPY
Moving Pictures of an Age Undreamed Of!
We've done it. Captured the very essence of the Hyborian Age and crammed it into a YouTube video. I know, I know. Sounds impossible, right? Wrong!
Picture this: All the blood, sweat, and primordial glory of Conan's world, right at your fingertips. No risk of Pictish arrows or Swamp Devil teeth (unless you’re into teeth). Just pure, unadulterated lore.
It's like I'm right there, whispering tales of high adventure in your ear. Except I'm not. Because that would be weird. (Why did you even bring that up?)
So what are you waiting for? A personal invitation from Conan himself? Trust me, you don't want him knocking on your door. Man's got a heavy hand.
WITNESS THE AGE
Roll the Bones of Fate!
What's that rumbling on the horizon? A new age of adventure, that's what! The Conan: The Hyborian Age RPG is charging towards us, and it's bringing a taste of the action right to your grimy little hands.
Picture this: You. A character sheet. A fistful of dice. And a world rich with possibility.
But wait! Before you start swinging your imaginary broadsword, we've got a little appetizer for you. A morsel. A tidbit. A quickstart guide that’s free and ready to use right now!
Inside this quickstart guide, you'll find:
Rules so streamlined and easy, even a drunk could play (not that I’d know)
Combat mechanics bloodier than a Pict's war paint.
A ready-to-play tale that'll curl your toes and test your mettle.
So take the plunge and carve your legend in the annals of the Hyborian Age by downloading the quickstart guide now!
DOWNLOAD MY DESTINY
Rialto’s Bazaar of Bizarrities
Listen up! Rialto's got some new goodies that'll make your Hyborian Age adventures even more epic.
Literary Loof for the Discerning Barbarian
Ever wished you could peek inside the mind of a madman? Well, now's your chance!
Behold: Conan of Cimmeria Vol 1. Unedited tales. Schultz's illustrations. Drafts, notes, maps—the whole bloody package!
What's that? Limited edition, you say? Rarer than a honest politician in Zamora!
Grab it. Cherish it. Hell, sleep with it under your pillow if you want. After all, reading is the best form of melatonin.
CLAIM MY TREASURE
Wear Your Barbarism on Your Sleeve
Tired of your threads screaming "civilized weakling"? Fear not!
Feast your eyes on this: The Coming of Conan Tee. Pure. Cotton. Savagery.
Imagine Windsor-Smith's 1970 masterpiece hugging your torso like a Cimmerian battle-brother as you wear it from the tavern to the gym to your sister’s wedding!
(Note: Rialto is not liable if you wear this shirt in public and swooning starts or fistfights break out)
UNLEASH MY INNER BARBARIAN
Well, my battle-hardened comrades and starry-eyed recruits, we've reached the end of our little scroll. But fear not! For in the world of Conan, every ending is just a new beginning in disguise.
Remember: keep your swords sharp, your wits sharper, and your eyes peeled for the next missive from yours truly. After all, you never know when opportunity—or a rampaging horde—might come knocking.
But don't you worry your pretty little heads—I'll be back before you can say "By Crom's..."
Well, you know the rest.
No comments:
Post a Comment